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Actress Mena Suvari, who is known for portraying the character of Heather in the "American Pie" franchise, welcomed her first born, a son named Christopher Alexander with husband Michael Hope in April. She says that becoming a mother was "wonderful and it's everything miraculous you can think of."
"But it's been challenging for me too because I personally never felt like I had that type of mother figure. So I don't know how to be that one, and I worry over it a lot. Also this is a big process for me in accepting that something so beautiful had happened for me," Suvari said, reports people.com.
The 42-year-old actress added: "It's like the universe's next challenge for me. It's now my biggest lesson because it's interesting when you experience a lot of trauma you can become very controlling because you can establish that behaviour to feel safe. Well, having a baby, all that control just goes right out the window."
Suvari says she is trying to connect with her newborn baby "each and every moment."
She said: "It's sort of like the way that my life had been going with lessons sprinkled. Now, it's just like 24/7 lessons! Like, 'Okay, I'm learning. I can do this. I'm good enough.' It's literally triggering all my stuff, but I try to use it, and I know it can make me better. I try to in each and every moment just connect with him."
In her new book titled, "The Great Peace: A Memoir, Suvari talks about past trauma, revealing that between the ages of 12 and 20 she was the victim of repeated sexual abuse. Suvari escaped into the rave scene, clubbing and eventually hard drugs to numb the pain she shares in the memoir.
Now, Suvari said that her focus is solely on raising him.
"I look for myself in him and I just want to do him justice. Another thing that's happened too is that I don't have time anymore to feel bad for myself. It's a beautiful gift, having my son, because I don't have the time to do that anymore," she said.
The actress said that it is not about her anymore.
She added: "I'm always looking for the ways I can grow and learn. I'm looking for the ways that I can learn through him."
Suvari also shared that it's not lost on her that she once thought motherhood wasn't going to be in her future.
